At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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