you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
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He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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