i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
