my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
