Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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