I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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