next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
