Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
