took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
