eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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