don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
