The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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