My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I cannot find my penis.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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