Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
