ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
