That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
