You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
