They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
