Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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