I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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