i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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