somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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