how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
