Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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