dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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