I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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