you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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