My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
