I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
