I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
