Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
