Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
