I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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