ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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