I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
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U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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