she was so not down for the gang bang
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i think i have two assholes
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
