you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
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I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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