On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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