I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize