she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
