sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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