Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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