had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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