I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
