Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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