Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
