I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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