you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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