and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
