Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
