I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
