I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
