I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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