You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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