At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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