She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
